Is God That Simple?

There have been so many times where I needed my mother’s advice on dating or just finding the right one. The problem was, she never wanted me to date or even leave the house for that matter. She just wanted her youngest daughter to stay put, say, well into her late 100’s. I would not be able to leave the nest, unless of course, some rich Jewish doctor swept me off my feet, as well as both my parents for that matter. That dream didn’t live up to its potential, however they did adore Madelene when they met her 14 years ago. Even though they had just found out that Madelene was my partner, when they got to know her as a person, it wasn’t so much about their daughter being a lesbian, it was about their daughter being happy. Madelene was smart though: she knew how to work my dad over in her favor. She always came over bearing gifts - not for me mind you - but for the king of the castle. It was her way of trading a camel in for his daughter. She brought him anything from specialty chocolates, wines and goodies to elaborate fisherman collectables in order to get ’in good’ with the big guy who owned Deb. For the first time in history, I then invited my first girlfriend for Thanksgiving. For anyone who knows me, that’s when you know “it’s serious”.

My poor Madelene went through hell and back with me. I wasn’t a bed of roses to live with, yet I tried my hardest to make her happy. I remember about 12 years ago, when we were living in our first apartment, we started going to this Christian-based church in the next town over. I found out that they had a gay ministry. Of course, I was like, “Wow, they accept gays and lesbians here!” But I was wrong. It was an “ex-gay ministry” they had, to which they tried to lay hands upon me and cure me of this disgusting and detestable disease. While Madelene was working late, I would trek over to the church and talk hours with the pastor regarding my lifestyle as a lesbian. I had spoken to a couple of the members of the ministry who really gave me a run for my money about how bad it was to be gay and to still be Christian. Oddly enough, these two women still live together as a “couple”, yet they made a vow of celibacy. Of course this was well after menopause (I’m guessing), which sometimes means . . . Oh well, you know.

Well, maybe it is a sin! Maybe if I go celibate for just a week, I can try to be “cured”. That week was more like two days and the struggle began, because I was absolutely in love with Madelene. How could I not share intimate moments with someone who I am totally in love with, especially while living with them? While Madelene gnawed on huge ice cubes and watched me sift through every passage in the bible that talked about homosexuality, our relationship came to a halt somewhat. It was then we had gone to a church service that following Sunday. They were dedicating this particular service for people who were homosexual, who wanted to get out of that sinful life. The two older women who were “celibate” yet still living together got up and shared their testimonies with us. It was then, when I had witnessed such sadness, such guilt and shame for who they “once were” - but they treated it much like alcoholics do: they still called themselves, lesbians. The tears that flowed out from this woman while giving her testimony showed me she was possibly living a lie. She was obeying a church who wanted to condemn her for loving her partner for over 20 years. I almost got sickened by the church’s behavior over this and realized a few people sitting around me were divorced and remarried, while their ex-spouses were still alive. Why aren’t they being cured? By biblical standards, isn’t that still considered adultery? Why aren’t they curing people who eat shellfish? Why aren’t they curing people with tattoos? Why are they only focusing on homosexuality?

It absolutely baffles me of how simple-minded some people really are. To think that God is that shallow and that “simple” to say: “OK, all the gays are going to hell”, as he wipes the dust clean off his hands. What scares me is, these people are also teaching their children intolerance. They're teaching their children to possibly hate those who are gay and lesbian. They embed it into their minds that God is a hateful God. That God doesn’t exist for me. The God I worship seeks out the genuineness in people; He seeks out the heart and not who we choose to love. We are all flawed in such different ways, we all have crosses to bear, but choosing a mate who is of the same gender is not a flaw. It is a preference. I think it’s sort of sad for people to be set up on a blind marriage, but many cultures do that sort of thing. Why marry someone you have not yet met and risk the potential of living with someone you do not love? That to me is heartbreaking, but I am not the judge. I will not say, “It’s a sin! God will condemn you!” But that seems to be more accepted rather than true love, all because it’s a “man and a woman”. Is God that simple?

This past month, I’ve been trying to get in touch with the two ladies of that ministry. They are still running it till this day and I have called them to ask if they would like to be heard in my documentary on a non-bias level. I would not make them out to be “bad guys”-----I would make them out to be another point of view. Of course with most people knowing where I stand, it’ll seem difficult to put them in a better light so to speak, but I really would like people of opposing sides to be on my documentary. I’m contacting clergymen of the Catholic church as well regarding their views and pointing out their take on the scriptures that condemn homosexuality. There will not be any debates on this film -- only different set of beliefs and core values. Although my views on this are quite strong, I just hope that everyone could be heard and that everyone can truly give their input on what they think is “right”.

With that, if you are a member of a church or a pastor who is of the opposing side, and who feels that homosexuality is an absolute sin, then please feel free to contact me at deb@debrapasquella.com if you would like to be in my documentary. I think it’s important for both sides to be heard, because the Bible is so complex on many levels, which is the reason for misinterpretations, misunderstandings and well as miscommunication among those who believe in the same faith...

Which brings me to the same question: Is God that simple?

Gays of Faith Part 2 (Rough Edit for Youtube)

Here's a segment that's just chopped up to fit Youtube, featuring Amy Beckerman and her lifetime partner, Ann Walling.

Was It All Worth It?

We all wonder what our purpose in life is. We all tinker around with the thoughts of “destiny” and “as fate would have it”, but we usually never look at our current and past situations and realize that everything we have done was meant for a reason, everyone we have loved were all part of the plan, and every job or career we have held is all stepping stones to where we are right now. Even if they were the crappiest jobs or even the most challenging lovers in the past, they were all there to teach us something, regardless. What about someone who has never held a job before?  They’re mission in life can be as simple as making people laugh, loving their significant other so that they can reach their potential “fate” in life or helping people in any aspect or form. Our purpose in life is not to obtain the upmost highest career or to get rich and famous - our purpose, in my opinion, is on a personal viewing screen that only God can see. Have you ever read or saw the movie, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, written by Mitch Albom? The main character was the head of the maintenance crew at an amusement park. It shows his “simple” life, but when he dies and goes to heaven, he realizes that his life was much more significant than he once had thought.

I’m a total believer in why people get so disappointed, depressed and lose hope in life, due to “things not going their way”. Maybe it wasn’t destined and you were only supposed to learn something out of it. But how many people can realistically say that they have faith in that concept 100%? It’s hard when you try so hard to accomplish something or achieve a goal in life, to only get turned down 101 times. Your self-esteem dwindles to a pile of ashes and you end up crying a river for a few days over something that was probably never meant to be. I’ll never forget when I was so desperately trying to get into shows, doing auditions and even going up being a stand up comedian to try to get my foot in the door so to speak. I always had the mindset of: this is just going to be a fun experience. I never expected anymore from it. I remember my last audition was with the show, Girls Behaving Badly, a candid camera type of gig that played really bad pranks on people (which I’m so good at doing in real life). My friends kept saying, “Oh my GAWD Deb, you should totally be in this show!” Their audition was a bit different from the norm. They had it in a comedy club called, Comic Strip Live in NYC. All the three main characters of the show were there to judge me, like American Idol. There were a room full of a hundred or so people just watching, and also competing for the same position I was. How am I going to make these people, who want MY job to laugh? I had to do a 2 minute stand up comedy routine and win these judges over. I did my thing, even politically incorrect, possibly ‘thought to be’ racist jokes in front of a melting pot of an audience and found that every single person was hysterically laughing. Long story short, I came out #5 out of 100 girls competing. I grabbed my things and headed out of the club . . . with a huge smile on my face. Madelene was waiting outside because she wasn’t allowed into the auditions, but from the look on my face, she thought I had it in the bag. I didn’t. I just had the best time of my life, and in the process, I made 100 people laugh for 2 minutes. After the audition, Madelene and I spent the rest of the day in the city, going out to lunch, shopping and having the best time of our lives in the Big Apple.  It was so worth it.  It’s not that I didn’t want it as much as the other people, because I was ready to grab that position and head off to LA and do my thing on the West Coast. I was totally prepared for it, but it didn’t happen for me. All of my friends, especially my best friend Lisa had been waiting for the call to say, “I got it! I got it!” She did get that call - but it was a prank. I told her, “Get your stuff and come to LA with me! I got it”, with the sounds of happy tears flowing, because well, I’m one hell of an actress sometimes. She was like, “Oh my God!!!” I eventually told her the truth and she just said, “Ugh, you really should have gotten that job you idiot.” Over lunch, I told Madelene that whatever happens to me, whatever career I fall into will eventually happen, but right now, I’m really enjoying my time with you in the ‘here and now’, and that to me, is all that matters.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who is a sculptor. His work is magnificent and his passion for art is amazing. He had said that he hasn’t done anything in quite some time because he wasn’t making money out of it. We then spoke about the documentary that I’m doing and he said, “As long as you make money for it - make sure you get money for all that hard work”, and I simply said, “Why? If my passion for filmmaking and writing is there, the money will come, and if it doesn’t, then at least for the main purpose of this project----voices will be heard.”  That is the sole purpose of my project: is to have people tell their stories about their struggles of getting to where they are right now. I want people to share with others how they have overcome extreme adversities in their lives and how it as affected them today, as well as the many successful turnouts which enabled them to voice their hearts to everyone who has a willing ear. Even with my book I had published - it. is. not. about. the. money. It is about helping people and sharing my life with others who may relate in some way or another. I want other people to have a medium to which they can help others in the same situations.

I also want to point something out that I think is really important. Four years ago, I was only writing. I don’t say “only” in a ‘less than’ term, I meant, it was my start for other ways to get my message out there. It was then I had met Amy Ferzoco, a talented filmmaker and producer for many reality TV shows as well as documentaries for Discovery Channel, HBO and MTV. She taught me the basics in just making a video and plopping it onto Youtube. Over time, she started showing me movie programs and teaching me how to include effects and add funny things to it to make my little clips seem more appealing. If it wasn’t for her taking the time to teach me all of this, I would have never been where I am today. So I am totally grateful that she came into my life, because not only was she helpful in my life in other ways, but she has given me another medium to speak out from. With that, I sincerely thank her from the bottom of my heart. Our paths crossed for a reason and I hope in some way, that my being in her life was helpful to her as well.

We may never know the true purpose of our lives, but we can definitely get a glimpse of what we have learned in the past to better our future.  

My question to you is: Was it all worth it?  

The Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour - Amy Beckerman

Sorry I have been out of the loop with keeping up with my blog, but we went to go visit Amy Beckerman and her partner Ann Walling to do an interview for my documentary and then decided to grab a bit of her comedy piece at The Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour so all of you to get a few laughs at and see how incredible this comedian really is. I hope you enjoy this as much as we did! We had such a blast hanging out with them last night, going out to dinner and then going to see Amy's show which was phenomenal!

If you are ever in the NYC area and want to see a great show, please visit Amy Beckerman's site for more detailed scheduling. You'll be hungover from laughter!

Bad for the Heart...

Yesterday I was having a lot chest pains and shortness of breath. Usually, when I go into the ER, they make me take EKG tests, blood work and other cardio tests to ensure that it’s nothing more than anxiety or a bubble of gas. I’ve gone so many times to the emergency room that doctors already know the answer to my ailments. I feel as though they’re all saying, “Oh it’s her again,” as I walk through the ER doors. Last night, I refused to get medical help with my chest pains. Madelene wanted to drive me to the emergency room, but the thought of waiting for hours upon hours to hear it was nothing more than mere indigestion just didn’t sit well with me. I said, “I’m leaving it in God’s hands,” and then went to sleep. This morning though, I felt a tad better, but with a lot of anxiety about what had happened. I’m going to the doctor this afternoon to get a brief checkup and an EKG reading, which sometimes doesn’t even tell you what’s really going on.  Pointless.

My stress levels have been rising lately and partially due to my new project. It should be good excitement, but I’m feeling the side effects of all that positive excitement into a bundle of anxiety. The “what ifs” come to mind and now that I have a couple of well known people that will be in this film, the pressure is slightly on to be a complete perfectionist. I had a few audio problems with my last interview, which my friend is going to digitally enhance for me in his studio to make it sound better and I just found out that my new camera which I spent a good amount of money on does not have a sound port. So with all the mic equipment that I have purchased, this all went to waste somewhat. My sister who works for Sony is lending me a different camera for this weekend while I will be in the city interviewing Amy Beckerman as well as shooting parts of her show. It’s basically the fact that it’s a ‘one man production crew’ (me) which freaks me out somewhat. I’m doing all the camera work, editing and everything else that needs to be taken care of for insurance purposes. Madelene is a big help when she can assist, but sometimes I feel like I’m out on a limb here by myself trying to pull this all together. It may take weeks, months, even a year to get this done, but I’m sure it’ll all come together.

The reason this project is so close to my heart is that people need to be heard. There are so many judgmental people when it comes to religion and lifestyles. They want to slam you over the head with a crucifix and tell homosexuals that they need to be cured. Other religions have the same mindset sometimes. This sets people back somewhat into a corner of resentment, making them completely walk away from everything they have once believed and cherished. Although I have somewhat stepped out of the scene of writing about why I feel homosexuality isn’t a sin, I’m finding myself sliding back, wanting to defend those who need to be heard.

As I went to check the status of my post on a message board over at Blogcatalog, someone posted this comment:

“@Pasquella: There is absolutely not a doubt in my mind that you are one of the most sincere people I have ever had the privilege to meet. I also do not have a doubt in my mind that you have a wonderful relationship with your partner, and this is what makes it so hard. For it is just as wrong for you to be in love with her in that way as it would be if she was a married man with three small children at home. As in regards to Scripture, Romans 1:18-32, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and 1 Timothy 1:8-11 are very clear that homosexuality (even that which is practiced as purely as you do) is a sin that needs to be repented of, and arguing that those passages were written by the Apostle Paul is a moot point. For ALL Scripture came from our Heavenly Father to serve as written confirmation of what He wants to personally reveal to us. Please, I beg of you, keep listening for His voice. For our Heavenly Father is the only One who can convince you of what the truth is.”

I understand that there are people who highly disagree with my lifestyle and I appreciate them trying to “save me”, but what I don’t understand is how they can equate adultery with a loving lesbian marriage -- or any marriage at all. I DO see their point and how they came to those conclusions, but here’s what another person had said:

“Also, you want to be sure not to accuse others of judging in the sense where Jesus does not judge. I have not seen in this discussion anyone judging you, condemning you, calling down the wrath against you, or seeking your punishment but rather warning you against doing those things that lead to those things, just as Jesus did.”

But in the same breath, these people are telling me to repent and give up my sin - aka - get divorced from my wife and leave my best friend behind. It’s contradictory in my opinion. I can totally see why so many gays and lesbians turn to atheism, because they are simply sick and tired of judgmental Christians bashing the bible up against their heads. But it’s not about the people - it’s about the personal relationship that others have with God - whoever they worship. No one should be judged and ridiculed just because of their lifestyle, unless they are seriously hurting someone in the process. I’ve gone over this in the past in my blog time and time again, but somehow, it seems to bubble up to the surface as I make my way into filming people who need to be heard.

I hope the people who I am fortunate enough to interview will have the opportunity to voice their beliefs and reassure others that God still loves them, regardless of their lifestyles.  And the entire thread, if you go over to the hyperlink I provided for Blogcatalog was all about people of different faiths---not just Christianity.  It was also to see if anyone was interested in possibly being interviewed about their own personal beliefs, yet there seemed to have been a misunderstanding where all these Christians came out of the woodwork to display a whole lotta' judgments about it. 

And now, I must prepare to go see the doctor about my chest pains. Religion is really bad for the heart.

Evil Religion

The other day when I had posted my little video to preview a tiny clip from my documentary, I had a few emails along with some commentary on my Youtube account. Some were asking to create the music for my project, while others were simply going on about how wrong homosexuality is. Luckily I received more positive and supportive feedback than anything, but that isn’t the point. I had posted an a little ad over at Blogcatalog, a site for bloggers to share their thoughts, their websites and to find more exposure. There is a section on their message boards where you can talk about general things. I thought it may have been a good idea to see if anyone was interested in doing a 15 minute interview for my film. Some of the responses were supportive and others, well, let’s just say they wanted more of a debate, rather than seeing this as an all inclusive event.

I had one commenter say, “Haha, biblical scriptures to back you up? Uh, no. Even though Scripture CLEARLY admonishes against homosexuality, it's no different than christians who smoke, or christians that get divorced for anything other than sexual infidelity. Everyone sins and so everyone is a 'lawbreaker' according to Scriptures. That doesn't make them evil just as in sin does not equate evil. Sin is just 'missing the mark' or 'falling short' or a 'mistake'. What gets to me is when people try and find loopholes (that are never there) around their sin so they can justify their actions. It sounds to me like an interesting documentary, but I'm not sure why our culture blows up something so small and minute like a sexual preference into a lifestyle, wardrobe, and possibly dialog. It's like Twilight lovers starting to wear all black and fake fangs.”

Another commenter had this to say: "Jesus went to the cross to bring you the real law. The grace of God is not an excuse. Don't say, 'LORD, LORD' or 'Lord, Lord' and think it's enough. Your faith is to be strong enough to quit obvious carnal confusion. Jesus did not pay the price to ransom those who willfully keep following the blind into the ditch or who preach to lead others with them, since wickedness loves company. God's love includes allowing Satan to have souls. The God of Jesus does not block Satan from taking souls and tormenting them.

What you need to do is to ask yourself who is Satan in relation to what you are doing and preaching. You are here proselytizing you know. It sounds very clear to me that you are acknowledging that your relationship is sinful but that it is forgiven even though you do not break it off. Jesus didn't say go and continue sinning. You know that.

'Sin is on earth whether we like it or not.' Well, I don't like it, and it's not going to stay. Sin and the willfully iniquitous, according to Jesus, get separated out. Would it have already happened except that there are lost sheep yet to be found.

As for Leviticus, if you leave it completely out, you are still left with Jesus's clear admonitions against all the various forms of selfishness and harm that he was not obligated to list in some exhaustive, anticipatory, list for the literalists of which you make yourself here in convenience.

He did not say don't have sex with your dog, did he? No, he didn't. Are you going to say that just because he didn't say verbatim not to be homosexual that he licensed it. Well, if we go by that, then anything he didn't name is licensed in Heaven. I know that, that is not correct. In addition, there are many verses that show that Jesus was adamantly opposed to the same sexual deviation Moses also found to be error. Jesus definitely did not throw out all of Moses's teachings. He removed the hypocrisy. He did not remove the prohibition against homosexuality, for it is hypocrisy. If you re-read in complete honesty your own writing here, you will see it.

So, I don't support your project. How I can not do that while asking for God's blessing on you, I reconcile.

Peace"

Over on my Youtube account, someone said these threatening words, “Doesn't change the fact that the bible tells believers to kill homosexual, and it even tells us how.”

My response: "I have accepted the Lord Jesus as my personal Savior and I do have a relationship with Him. I am also married to my wife ------of the same gender through a minister who is also Christian. If you take a look at the video, you'll see where there is no reference that is made to Jesus saying that homosexuality is a sin. This was taken out from the Old Testament.

What about someone eating shrimp or lobster? Do they go to hell too?
What about a man shaving his beard?
What about sitting next to a woman who is menstruating, and how do we even know these days?

What about those laws? They no longer apply since Jesus abolished those laws when He died on the cross. Throughout the New Testament, they speak about the actions of sexuality, whether it was between a man and a woman or two of the same genders.

What about a divorced woman who remarries while her ex-husband is still alive?
What about premarital heterosexual sex?
Are we all going to hell?

The story of Sodom and Gomorrah was based up on rape----not homosexuality. Many people misinterpret these scriptures.

However, again, I will say whether you believe in Christianity or whatever God you worship, I was only pointing out that there are many gays and lesbians who are spiritual ---so I was asking if anyone was interested or knew someone that wanted to be in the film... Nothing in this film is going to be debated upon. It's all about personal experiences. But if you wanted to debate on here and tell me that I'm going to hell, then back it up with valid scriptures and I will back mine up too.

But it'll never end.

Because everyone has a different interpretation of the scriptures. Everyone has a different relationship with God. We're not to judge one another ---and the biggest commandment of all is to love God with all your heart and to love each other as we do ourselves...

P.S. 'Not having sex with your dog' would be under bestiality..."

The thing is, this film is about all faiths, whether you are Christian, Jewish or Hindu - this film is about your religious standpoints and reconciling your lifestyle. Does your religion say it’s a sin? Do “people” of your religion say that being a homosexual is a sin? It’s about people discussing discrimination and adversity of what they had been through due to religion being the common denominator of these debates. It’s not all about gay Christians - this is about gays and lesbians of “faith”---whichever faith they belong to.

The discouraging wave of hateful people out there in the name of religion gives me such a bad taste in my mouth. No wonder there are so many gay atheists out there who simply are scared to death to come to God or even be spiritual, because they feel that they are doing something wrong, because someone said it was wrong. We’re supposed to uplift and edify people - not tear them down and reduce them to a pile of worthless ashes. Any “religion” will tell you that. It’s fascinating to also see many so called Christians who worship Jesus to tell us that we’re going to hell and that we’re disgusting for being homosexual. They reference to only sexual aspects of the union - not the loving relationship between two people of the same gender. It’s always referenced to sex. But when they think about a man and a woman getting married, it’s all about the union and relationship - sex is never an issue. So with this documentary being talked about, I feel like I have stepped back a few years when I was debating over scriptural references and what they meant (or were interpreted as) with other Christians in a combative way.

It makes me wonder: how can there be so much evil in religion?

Gays & Lesbians of Faith

Here's just a short preview/trailer of my documentary about gays and lesbians of faith. Some clips you've already seen, but I have featured Rev. David L. Clarke from Provincetown, MA in this clip to speak about his views on homosexuality and how he reconciles his faith in God living as a gay minister.